In case you’re not familiar with the term “babywearing”, it refers to the practice of accessorising your chest region with your baby (in a sling) so that you can get on with doing important things like commando crawling.
Despite the pretentious name, undoubtedly coined by yuppy parents like me, it seems like a fair enough idea.
Baby is nestled into your chest, baby is soothed, baby sleeps, you get to go round Kmart in peace — win-win!
UNTIL, that is, the baby catches on to the idea and starts wearing YOU.
I am referring, of course, to Magoo’s recent bout of clinginess.
OK, so it’s not that recent.
I have been Magoo’s best person for 582 days.
I get that. I have boobs.
And I look alright as an accessory since I let go the Eastern Bloc mullet in favour of The Margaret Pomeranz.
Don’t get me wrong. I pine for Magoo if her daytime nap runs longer than two hours. Her daycare have banned me from Skyping her during her morning tea.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I long to go to the toilet alone.
Ah, the joy of doing a crap in peace and solitude, just me and my Woman’s Day.
And the Target lift-out, savoured with a cup of tea, has never seemed so good as when Magoo is busying herself for a whole three minutes without clamping herself to my shin.
Also, I’d kind of like my boobs back. They’ve been on loan to her for a good while now.
Berate me if you wish, I am ready. I recognise that this sounds like a heartless pile of cack.
I know I have about about 4017 days left before Magoo tells me I’m the worst bitchy fugly Mum in the whole wide world and that she wishes she’d never been born, or words to that effect.
And then approximately 2191 days after that she will bugger off on Schoolies Week with some lad with hands named Justinbieber Jones and I will wait by my Google phone thing for her to call.
Then for the rest of our lives, her Dad and me will shadow her when she goes out at night to make sure she gets home safely.
So sign us up!
We want to be worn!
Magoo, wait for ussss!!
 It is not recommended that you wear your baby while driving, drinking tea or commando crawling.