Stuff white parents like

stuff

Our suburb is whiter than a nun’s arse.

And it’s full of white-bread parents like us.

In case you need to be informed about the kinds of stuff that white parents like (in case it wasn’t obvious every time you visit the local providore and we shin-shank you with a gleaming spoke from a Bugaboo wheel) I have compiled a list below so that … ummm … actually … why am I writing this again?

Oh, that’s right!

It’s a humorous and self-deprecating acknowledgement of our whiteness that we vanilla-flavoured people are so good at.[1]

It makes us feel better about being kind of ridiculous, when you come to think of it.

Actually, I’ve thought about it many times and tried to shake off the feeling with a toss of my freshly washed kale.

Because this is not to say that each and every one of the following don’t apply to the Super Defacto and me.

That’s a double-negative way of saying that we typify lefty-middle-class-ABC-watchin’-compost-makin’-iPhone-slingin’-Ray-Ban-wearin’-latte-drinkin’ folks in all our contradictory and thoroughly self-aware consumerist glory.

But in all honesty, we don’t feel that ridiculous, cos it’s all ironic to us anyways ….

Before I go on, I should tip my fedora in acknowledgement to the folks over at bestparentever.com who have compiled a pretty comprehensive listing of stuff that white parents like. However, from what I can tell, their last post was in 2009. We’re now in the twenty-teens. White parents have to move with the times. Last year’s chia is this year’s acai, after all.

To this end, here is my updated list of stuff that white parents like.

#1 Baby friendly cafes

I would love to have my hard-earned, Sunday lunch interrupted by a screaming two-year-old throwing their food on the floor … SAID NO ONE EVER!!

But white parents love taking their screaming bairns out and inflicting them on other cafe-goers.

So much so, that we now have actual, “baby friendly cafes” that cater for babies with special highchairs and sandpits and stuff. I have absolutely no idea why non-baby people would ever want to set foot in one of these, but they do.

And there are more and more of these baby cafes springing up in our suburb, so soon the non-baby people will have no choice but to go to baby cafes.

Non-baby people will be like smokers. If they don’t want to have their lunch while listening to my baby sound like a piglet being stabbed with a pointy stick, well, then they can just stand outside in the rain.

#2 Babycinos

Refer to #1: stuff served in baby friendly cafes

#3 Mother’s maiden name as baby’s middle name

When I was a tiny lass, most kids just had one white-bread surname (the likes of Watson or Hay, Callaghan or Walsh).

Then came the age of the double-whopper surname (no doubt due to everyone’s parents — white or otherwise — getting divorced and remarried). So lucky wee Colin Campbell got an extra name with his second Daddy and became Colin Campbell-Callaghan.

But times they are a-changin’!

Many white parents now wish to save our kiddies from the oft cumbersome double-barrelled clanger banger, and instead given them three names for the price of two (that’s one first name, one maiden name-middle name and one surname).

If they are lucky, they also get a proper middle name too, not just a maiden name-middle name. Magoo has four names all to herself. Her initials spell out an actual and really cool word, which it wouldn’t if she had only two names, in which case it would just sound like a small burp.

(The real reason for Magoo’s maiden-name middle-name (in case you hadn’t guessed) is that the Super Defacto and I have, in true white parent fashion, side-stepped marriage and gone straight for the procreation thing.)

#4 Lessons

Swimming lessons, gymbaROO, baby yoga, Bay City Strollers, Rhyme Time: if you teach a structured activity that facilitates cognitive development while encouraging creative play, white parents will come.

#5 Play dates

For some reason, many of us have adopted this disproportionately formal American term for getting our babies together so that they can ignore each other before pulling each other’s hair out.

The last time Magoo had a date with my girlfriend’s son she almost gouged out his eye with one Vegemite-coated index finger, so I doubt that he will want to date her in the near future.

#6 Allergies

Allergies love white parents (and their children). And white parents love to talk about allergies.

This is not to underplay the seriousness of food allergies. I’ve written about Magoo’s dairy allergies ad nauseum in Anna Phylaxis You Scary Bitch (Part 1 and Part 2).

But something deep inside me can’t help but think that maaaayyyybe allergies are a bourgeois construction confected by a secret soybean conglomerate.

You just didn’t hear Oliver Twist saying “Please, Sir, I want some more … but only if it’s vegan gruel”, did you?

***

White parents are community-minded people, so if you have any white stuff to share, I’d love to hear about it!


[1] And this ain’t really new territory either. Christian Lander blogged brilliantly about “Stuff White People Like” for years.

 

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